sweet_beloved

i think i'm this hurtful puppy who's crying and dwelling here, screwing everything up. to ask myself what have i done/have been doing.

i paused to think for a moment just that when being with him, do i love him still.. the answer could be 'no'.
treated him as a special friend and talked to him just now to feel so screwed right now.
i told others about how the way he treated me, feeling bloodly damn hurt at that point of time, whosoever knows?
yes it's awfully wrong to bitch. but i was feeling so bitter and sorrowful. what more i could do but to talk/blabber to people that comes by. blame it that i'm not a listener.
my first mistake was to allow you to abuse me. that i felt so emotionally hurt [even at this point of time when you can still hurt me, you gamed]. how much i contained inside that i just needed to letgo.
i'm not physically abused, but emotionally ripped. where you took everything from me. and i hoped for the things in my dictionary wasn't given to me. i lost, and i fell. i had to face it all the while, myself. it's the accumlated fear and torture which shouldn't be found in a relationship like mine and yours.
now that i got the breakthrough, i want to do as what i please, without you caring or bothering about what you like/dislike. i didn't even deserve that trust from you as your girlfriend, what more is there to talk about.
yes i'm a pathetic soul here complaining about my unsatisfieds.
i'm broken, and wounded. torn you may call.
but i'm trying hard to live the life that i have to live, the best out of it. believing and trusting god to pull me through, without you.

i'm just so screwed.

though i'm not a happy girl-meantime
but i'm still daddy's loved girl

confession.
i really really have the urge inside me to call up ian cheng.
but i don't know what to say
i longed to linger around with him for a while

daddy, help me.

i came to realise as weeks go on, i miss him more each day.
with all the memories we used to had..
longing to hug and kiss him all over again.
i really wish so much that i could still do all these with him
i long to know what he's been doing and up to in life.
but who am i to know?
being friends is a likely impossible thing

-i miss you

i couldn't take it anymore, felt extremely emo after everything.
didn't believe what happened

being tempted, lured and fell into the trap
at the end of it all
this was the outcome
of self infliction and emotional unbalanced

to that,
i have only myself to blame.
an idiot, dumb and foolish person
that didn't get better.

as planned, before sleeping last night, i went rp after lesson this morning and brought him the chocolates.
it was a fact that he didn't want to meet me anyway, and i saw it through. therefore i figured that the only way for once i'd go to rp just to deliver chocolates without seeing him. managed to get eileen as my messenger.

to half of my disappointment, he didn't contact me at all. so be it, isn't it?
no. i was on the verge of breaking down with a tear-filled eye, then i turn to god for an answer. continued reading 'i kissed dating goodbye' and listen praise and worship songs at the same time. you can never know how god works. it got  me thinking so much while reading and from tears to relief. despite all that has happened, how much damage there was, god is here with me. in the midst of all the thoughts, i prayed till it all fade away. that all i left was how god is going to use me to be a testimony. this scared life shall be a word spread to others. i am not what people think i am. the true and real me is between myself and god. and because i was willing to let go take over each time i'm about to fall, he gives me the peace i needed and comfort me inside.
that's the amazing part i felt. so awesome that daddy loves me!

even though how many times i tell myself to let go and forgo this relationship that will not have outcome to it, i fail.
thoughts of him are just floating all around at the back of my mind neverending.
it seems so easy, to say that i'm letting go.
the truth is, reality is otherwise.
how do i handle myself, thoughts and  emotions?
apparently i'm not doing well, which is for myself to know.

How many times have we given Jesus the wheel, then decide later that I'll do a better job and take control of our lives wheel again?

this is what i ponder about. and many more things on my mind.

there's nothing much i can do now after all. i played my part.

i'm deem fit to go on a diet. i want a 40kg. that's it

shall study and do my work tonight and sleep all day tmr.

sometimes i'm unsure of what is right and wrong to do/say in our relationship

i was wrong in hiding things from you. drinking till half drunk. out with guy friends. but i didn't do anything that is betraying you in our relationship. because like what you ever said, you can predict my response and reaction to you when you tell me something. i do the same. that's why i didn't mention anything to you. little did you understand. in fact dwelling upon the fact that i hid things from you was all you did, seeing things from your pespective. i can understand your point of view. did you try to understand mine?
and now i have to clear this mess. it's true indeed, we have no understanding for each other and mutualism doesn't exist. where's the point in being together anymore?
as much as i need you around during my tough moments, more often you were away.
right now, i know somehow you place that little bit of trust knowing i'd take care of myself. but i wish to be pampered and taken care of by you. it's you that i wish for your attention. but it didn't happen, neither can i dwell on it and all i can do is to move on, talking to my inner thoughts convincing myself.

daddy. this is where i fail/fall. it's where i surrender myself that i can't do anything anymore and i don't know what to do.aa the thoughts influence my mind and i'm so carried away by them, letting myself drown with sorrows.
god. i give myself to you to take care of. and next is ian.
now again, i'm reminded that you're greater than anything and you hold everything. so that it falls into place.
thank you daddy that despite my failure, you still want me and love me like no other.
daddy loves me.

this is love spoken through your brokenness
this is grace crowning me with righteousness

you are the god who loves
you are the god who gives
salvation, favour, victory as i stand and see

you are the god i love
you are the god i give
all honour, glory, adoration for eternity

i guess this is really my escape to blabber my unsatisfaction and wilful thoughts.

like what i mentioned earlier, i do hope that he understands my heart. and i'm starting not to understand his.
why in the first place that despite his busy schedule, he won't take some time to drop me a nice message to comfort me or something.. does he also expect me to understand his heart too? i was hoping a little too much from him apparently. in any case, it's a simple thing that you can do as my boyfriend right..

a lie can be a white lie. if not, surprises wouldn't exist in this world.
obviously for me, i wouldn't tell you the truth, about who i was messaging. cause i'd have to tell you the whole story. and i called you to make small conversations, also to ask when can we meet soon. i'm going to pleasantly surprise you with something cute, that was what i thought. so well, i don't expect you to know my heart, certainly that will never happen. the least i wanted from you was to accuse or point fingers at me. after all, i didn't even do anything wrong, i felt.
the reason i called you now was because you told me that you may not have your handphone with you during camp, besides, i didn't talk to you the whole of today. yet all you did to me was talking in ignorance. when you didn't call me or bothered much about me after we quarreled, i did everything, to get things better between us. for all you did was to sit back and relax.
how much you concerned for me when i went home alone at 10pm from your place, to not even call or message. did you even know that i walked back two bus stops aways, myself, passing by many construction workers, to know that at least you took home the packet food. it seems that you just don't care. and i can't really complain and let go. because you'll definitely tackle me with something. a sure thing.
i am suffocating. having constant wars with my heart. it isn't easy to treat matters of the heart, to talk and psycho myself in mind. sadly, i have to. and result to verbally enriching myself with positive thoughts. i'm sure you have your part of being which i know nothing of. but i just wanna say that i'm not living easy too.

all i'm doing is to trust and have faith in god. pour out my heart to him.
and have the tinge of hope in you.

i have to admit a part of myself, which is being selfish.
often, i see my inner thoughts telling myself to let go and be gracious. daddy is more than enough to give me whatever i need and  i do not lack. it's a believe that is hard to imply.
however my selfishness is not extended to my own family members and ian, only. that's the most i can go. hahaha. sounds a little pathetic.
so i'm letting god's graciousness to flow through my selfishness. not only in financial wise but even in other areas such as academic or beauty.

two days back, i met up dinner with ms cheong. as usual, we had our long talks that lasted for hours. they seem never-ending.
and we often mention about my relationship terms with ian.
i don't know how much am i willing to give in and come to terms with the fact to accept whatever he is. like not being ambitious for example. he has some parts which i'm not prepared to accept. and because of our differences, we end up quarreling pretty often.
and what ms cheong said to me was if ever one day that i can accept all these things of him, then i'm ready to think about marriage with him. but i'm not sure if he's the right one actually. right now, surely i'm not prepared.
again, i put another worry and concern in god's hands. i commit this relationship i have with ian to him. whether he's the right one for me, only god knows. and surely anything that's in his hands, it will be good. i trust god about my future and i believe that it is good. amen.

my heart sank and was filled with much disappointment upon knowing the cause of it. but still i'm clueless about how and why it happened.
i seriously don't wish anything major will happen. and surely i'd wonder what his parents said about it. in any case, i'm sure it wouldn't be easy-going for him at this stage.

then he just told me about the major parts that happened
i can't comprehend what did it happen it the first place. i wish that this wasn't happening. i really wish.
i wish that none of these had happen and things are still the same.
i know that our relationship may not be the same.

somehow i know that it would end up this way.
it was just a test of our relationship.
a test of our strength, will and love.
seemingly it wasn't up for such a test. that we are so vulnerable to the surroundings and situations.

i have to say that i'm satisfied with myself in my actions in a way.
being able to handle this and sort things out.

still i couldn't resist not breaking down upon recieving his message to end the relationship.
after such a long wait in such calmness, this was it. a breakup.
the worst thing ever was to have him involved in a police case, which i'm totally unsure of till i asked.
but i guess since he's already having many things to deal with, having a girlfriend may not make things better. i can fully understand his actions from his perspective. that's why ultimately he chose to end this relationship.
i wanted to make my stand, that i'm there and explain things from my point of view of our relationship and my feelings. i wanted so much in my mind. but all i did was to talk to myself and state my stand. i don't have much of willpower to explain to him. i didn't feel that it will work out anyway. so i choose to be still and quiet. certainly i don't want to push him too hard. if that is his decision which he think it'd be better, i'll just go with the flow